How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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