literally had 100 drinks last night.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
