he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
