I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
