Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
