ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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