nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
