Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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