Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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