So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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