i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
