i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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