Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
