mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
