we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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