We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
