the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
