I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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