Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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