I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
