i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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