this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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