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After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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