my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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