I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I didn't notice because vodka
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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