I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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