Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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