Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
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There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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