she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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