I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
