My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
