I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Alive.
So much puke
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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