I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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