What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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