that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
