I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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