Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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