So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
