I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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