I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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