my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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