and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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