my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
