I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
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So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
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Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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