you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
