But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
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Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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