Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
