wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Moan for me like Helen Keller
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I need to calm my uterus...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
