I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
