i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
