Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
