my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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