So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
