I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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