just tell him i said nine months
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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