I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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