Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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